Kyoya Tategami: Musings of the Melodramatic Leo Blader
by VisualZero
Summary: To Kyoya, spinning tops are serious business. Tategami narrates his pathetic life revolving around Benkei's fangirlishness, Gingka's stupidity, Kenta's midgetness, Madoka's superiority complex, Tsubasa's raw attractiveness, and Hyoma's strange obsession with sheep. But mostly Benkei's fangirlishness.
1. Entry One to Fourteen

**Kyoya narrates Metal Fusion, strating from episode 2, Leone's Roar. I'll be doing every episode Kyoya appears in. If I get enough requests I'll do another character's version of this too. Inspired by similar stories and the hope that THIS story will inspire others to leave the 'original characters' behind, an instead concentrate on the characters we're already given.**

**Entry One**

Benkei, you listen to me good and proper. I do not give a rat's ass about your carpel tunnel.

BY THE END OF THIS EPISODE I WILL HAVE GINGKA HAGANE'S ASS.

**Entry Two**

I do not mean that in a sexual way.

Do you have any idea how long it took to perfect this manical laughter?

My throat will never be the same again but it's totally worth it.

Recoil before me, pathetic minions! Relinquish your fear and I will harbour it to feed Leone's belly!

HA! I knocked four of you out in less than four seconds! This is better than sex!

_'If it only takes four seconds for sex, I guess we found out what you're compensating for...'_

WHO SAID THAT.

WHO THE FUCK SAID THAT.

My cock would wrap five times around your leg.

Yawn, watching you all quiver in fear feeds my soul and all that shit but honestly this is starting to get dull. Alright, this time all of you hum the Tertris theme song while I decimate your childhood dreams. Maybe it will make this a little less incessantly boring.

**Entry Three**

Nope.

Right, from now on, from every second your Bey DOESN'T spin, I kick the crap out of you.

WHERE'S THE GUY WHO IMPLIED I HAD A FAULTY LIBIDO?

_'I only wish he'd look at me the way he looks at Leone...'_

Benkei, there is a line and you have just crossed it. Now please stop humping my leg. Seriously, I don't care how many girls you haven't slept with.

**Entry Four**

The best way to get a guy to call you back? KIdnap his eight year old friend's favourite toy.

It's not illegal though I understand it is more than a little creepy.

Check out all my bitches. Pimp Kyoya about to make his dramatic entrance. Cue theme music.

And my hair blowing in the wind because I'm worth it.

**Entry Five**

What kind of a shit name is Face Hunters?

Wild Fang. Now that's a cool name.

Step aside, Benkei. You're making me deaf with your voice and blind with your ass. I've seen smaller countries.

'I am Kyoya Tategami! And I will defeat you, Gingka!'

Also I am so much taller than you.

If the 'Death by Spinning Tops' doesn't work I will throw rocks at you until you cry.

It's kind of pathetic when your best friend is five years old.

Ten? Please. Yo are roughly the size of my ring finger. Your Mom must have fucked a gerbil or something.

**Entry Six**

Who's the broad? Too scared to face me so you send a girl to do your dirty work? PATHETIC.

She's not even legal yet.

**Entry Seven**

Bye bye to your bey bey... Actually that's pretty funny...

Yes, this is very touching, less heartfelt speeches more crushing you to death...

Fucking gingers...

The spirit of MY bey is shouting step aside I am about to choke a bitch.

**Entry Eight**

If she keeps talking I swear to God I am stopping this right now and throwing her off the top of this building.

Manly grunting noises!

_'It seems that bey is an ideal defense type, Kenta! He's got confidence in its repelling capabiliy!'_

You're impressed by that?

I haven't even whipped out my cock yet.

COME AT ME BRO

Hah! This is fun.

**Entry Nine**

Shit, less fun.

**Entry Ten**

...Wait a minute. I LOST?

WHAT EVEN

**Entry Eleven**

'No! Kyoya, we get that you're angry but don't take it out on Jimmy!'

THAT MOTHERFUCKING GINGKA-

Oops, looks like I strangled this random guy to death...

Wait, his name was Jimmy?

**Entry Twelve**

_'DON'T WORRY KYOYA I STILL LOVE YOU!'_

I was hoping that the one positive outcome of this would be you fucking off, Benkei.

**Entry Thirteen**

Mysterious voice say what.

I know your father probably abused you and all, but that hair is just tacky. Do you honestly think that looks attractive?

**Entry Fourteen**

Seriosuly, his name was Jimmy?


	2. Entry Fifteen To Twenty-Seven

**Entry Fifteen-**

If I had enough money to afford jets, I would be using it to do something productive, rather than abducting fourteen year olds and transporting them to a discreet location.

This is the kind of thing that cops ask questions about.

**Entry Sixteen-**

Rocks, more rock and some tasteful piles of shit. Love the decor. If this is where you live no wonder you can't get laid.

**Entry Seventeen-**

No shit, dick bag.

Wait, why is he reaching into his shirt? Do I want to know even?

I swear to God, if he starts taking his clothes off I'm...

Well, considering we're in the back ass of nowhere, there's not all that much I could do.

But I'm willing to start by kicking dirt in your eyes.

**Entry Eighteen-**

DON'T MAKE ANOTHER MOVE-

A comb.

Right.

Normal.

Now you've gone from creepy to downright batshit insane.

Is he trying to groom me?

Welcome to hell, population: us.

My money's on child molestation. I'm not trying to be cute, I'm genuinely a little creeped out here.

And this coming from the guy who's walked in on Benkei showering.

You just don't unsee things like that.

**Entry Nineteen-**

_'If you work with us and be a good boy, you might actually get to hear the whole story. How does that sound, my young friend?'_

I would rather pull the hairs off my balls one by one with an electric pliers.

Definitely trying to groom me. We're leaving, boys!

Don't look at my ass while I walk away.

**Entry Twenty-**

Alright, this guy is really starting to get on my nerves.

_'This fight is between me and Gingka! I'm not going to lend my talent to the likes of you, stretch! And the next time you're looking for help maybe you should start with pretty please!'_

You know us Japanese, always the stickler for manners.

Also go eat shit, you fucking fucked up excuse for a dickwad.

_'You have a way with words Mr. Tategami.'_

**Entry Twenty-One-**

_'Or answer to 24 inch pythons!'_

Benkei, this seems like an inappropriate time to bring up our penises.

_'I DON'T TAKE ORDERS!'_

Especially not from a guy from whom I can't tell the difference between his face and his ass.

**Entry Twenty-Two-**

That's it. This shit's getting real.

SIC 'EM, LEONE!

Just FYI, if there was even the minute possibility of the chance of me actually loosing, which there is most certainly not, I, Kyoya Tategami, am not, under any circumstances, becomming anybody's bitch. You hear that, creep? I AM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU, NO MATTER HOW BADLY I WANT TO DEFEAT GINGKA.

...I'm not really sure how I arrived at that conclusion.

**Entry Twenty-Three-**

WHAT.

...Congradulations. You knocked out collective scum.

This is the reason why you don't bring a centipede to an ass-kicking competition. I would be more impressed if you broke their necks with your mind.

Benkei, you're fired.

**Entry Twenty-Four-**

_'Dark wolf?'_

You're shocked by his bey? Are any of you focusing on his hair? He voluntarily walks around in public like that!

Anyway, that loser's no match fo my Rock Leone.

**Entry Twenty-Five-**

It's just spinning there. Spinning there. Like a pussy.

Fight me like a man!

Yes, I just killed a rock.

_'LION GALE FORCE WALL!'_

Never mind his Bey, aim for his crotch!

**Entry Twenty-Six-**

...

I'm sensing a pattern here.

**Entry Twenty-Seven-**

ALRIGHT, I, KYOYA TATEGAMI, WILL DEFEAT GINGKA IF IT TAKES ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING I HAVE-

although I swear to God, you so much as touch my ass even once this is so over...


End file.
